By A. Writer
Goodness gracious, there are a lot of opportunities for writers out there! Some of them even "can lead to paid assignments" and "referrals!" In fact, if you are willing to work for little more than the promise of "exposure" there is opportunity at every turn. Here are a few of my favorites:
I Only Look at It For the Articles
At "JogoGirl.com" - an as-yet unlaunched website which aspires to be the "new online Playboy," prospective writers are lured with the promise of "a small fee" but a "vast audience."
What writer wouldn’t jump at the chance for the "major exposure" offered by JogoGirl in what I’m guessing is an unintentional pun. What writer doesn’t lust for the opportunity to be read by the on-line porn community?
Especially after a come-on like this: "After our viewers check out the women, there needs to be some fresh and compelling literary content to keep it interesting."
But it’s not all low-paid porn filler out there. There are also opportunities to write for the sheer love of … some kind of sports team.
Must Love Badgers
An unnamed "top sports-related publication" is looking to expand its coverage of Wisconsin Badger Sports this year!! Go Badgers! But this is for "serious inquiries only." Send writing samples or else craft a story based on recent breaking Badger news. Okay...
WISCONSIN - Intractable disagreement over the controversial practice of "burrowing" in the end zone threatens to derail an entire season of badger football, just as the notoriously bad-tempered mammals were poised to bring off their best team record since emerging from hibernation….
Director of …What the fuck…?
"IEG – a subsidiary of WPP Group M and the driving force in the sponsorship industry has an opening for a director of research in its Chicago-based headquarters… responsible for managing the day-to-day operations of the Research and Competitive Intelligence Group, managing our staff of researchers and providing guidance and research support to our consulting team leaders…. including assessing internal and external client needs and establishing best in-class policies and procedures to ensure data integrity…"
Okay lets sum up here: The job requires conducting, managing, establishing, compiling, distilling, designing and implementing SOMETHING while conducting primary and secondary research to be used both internally (eww) and externally, ensuring the highest quality client deliverables." I can do that!
My cover letter:
Dear WPP-Group M Human Resources Person:
I am so the person you need! Ensuring the highest quality client deliverables is the goal of every true professional in the hard-driving world of the sponsorship industry.
Duh!.
As your director of research, I would be ALL ABOUT the use of primary and secondary research. Totally. And as for compiling and distilling? That is absolutely my thing. I also rock at design implementation priortization.
If you think you can find another candidate as good as me at establishing best in-class policies and procedures to ensure data integrity, I have two words for you:
Nuh –uh.
Sincerely, P.M. Dunnigan
A few other prospects…
Piece. of what?
"ghost writer needed for 19th century American. Piece."
No kidding
"I need some one to help me write a screenplay for a movie idea I have"
And finally, here is the perfect job pairing for a career that has tanked so badly that you would actually accept a "gig" that pays 24 cents a word:
Writing Under the Influence
CenterstageChicago.com is looking for a "barfly who can write." The successful applicant will hit the local bars sampling "everything from fruity cocktails to bourbon to Bud" and then produce a boozy 300-word piece conveying the charms of the dreek of the wink, er, wink of the dreek… Pay is a whopping $25 plus you presumably drink for free, which is what you’d be doing anyway, if this is what was left of your miserable writing career.
© 2007 P.M. Dunnigan/Suburban Kamikaze
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