R.S.V.P.: My Lesbian Pool Party

To My New Friends and Neighbors in the Suburban Midwest:

Please don’t take this personally. But your social gatherings? They make me want to kill myself.

At first I thought it was really clever how all of your invitations arrived with their themes ironically concealed beneath irreproachable Hallmark card sentiments.

But then I showed up for the "Ladies Ornament Exchange" with my resin penis Christmas ornament and I realized you were completely serious: it was a party where grown women exchanged Christmas ornaments. And not a single one was shaped like a dildo.

I swear to God.

And the "adults only" gingerbread house party? Not one person got naked. At a gingerbread house party.

It was as if someone had secretly replaced all of the women in the suburbs with their great-great grandmothers. From the boring side of the family.

(Before I forget, Dear Wondering If I Am Free for Tea: I am checking my calendar for the year 2052 and it is completely open. I hope to see you at my 90^th birthday bash later that same year! Yours, SK)

Still, I don’t want to be a hypocrite. What have I added to the local social circuit other than a few bottles of very good wine and a heaping casserole of disdain?

That is why I have decided to host the Midwest edition of my now famous Lesbian Pool Party. I know what you are thinking: "But Suburban, you don’t even have a swimming pool."

Really? Is that what you were thinking? Because I am wondering where the hell I am going to find lesbians in this neighborhood.

Just kidding. There is no way I am going to find lesbians in this neighborhood. But that is not the point.

As an experienced party hostess, I can tell you that a successful lesbian pool party requires neither lesbians nor a pool. Actual lesbians, in fact, do not always appreciate being used simply to liven up a guest list. This puts a lot of pressure on them that is, frankly, a little unfair. I recognize this and I apologize.

But the party must come first.

And there is nothing like a good lesbian pool party to separate the tea drinkers from the people who will, if invited to a pool party in Chicago in the middle of February, leave their sensible shoes at home and arrive wearing a thong and bearing fruit-flavored Caribbean rum.

These are the people you want to know in the cold, bleak days of the Midwestern winter where 80 percent of the conversations you will have with anyone over the age of 11 will be about the weather and the other 20 percent you will not be able to remember.

I hope you can make it.

Sincerely,

The Suburban Kamikaze

photo by Rick McCawley: Please leave your sensible shoes at home.

© 2007 P.M. Dunnigan/Suburban Kamikaze

Comments

[Lainey-Paney]

I'm so afraid of moving out of the city......

Your version of the suburbs is just validating my fears.

~L

[~cookies n cream~]

lesbian fo rezzzzle!

i know i am (:

[Jill]

Ha-I love it! Do you think a dildo Christmas ornament would be a hit at that lesbian party?

[Suburban Kamikaze]

I am thinking it would reduce the irony quotient somewhat... but maybe.

SK