237 Reasons You Did Not Get Laid Last Night

In a newsroom somewhere in America this week, there was an editor who stood up at a story meeting and said "Why are we even running this? This is a survey of  400 Texas college students who were asked to list the reasons they had sex."

He or she was, of course, immediately shouted down by all the other editors, who knew that you can not pass on the chance to put a sex survey on the front page of the newspaper even if it means you have to bump a puppy tragedy to the inside. 

And so we were treated to the following front page story from the Midwest's best newspaper:

"The 237 reasons to have sex". 

Researchers at the University of Texas at Austin claimed to have discovered a "wide range of motivations." 

Right. I'm guessing 225 cocktail recipes and a dozen versions of  "he said he loved me" and "she said yes," split along gender lines would about cover it.

Here in Suburbia, we did not exactly spit out our coffee over such revelations as "people sometimes have sex to celebrate a special occasion."  Like Happy Hour. Or nickel beer night.

We have pretty close to zero interest in the motivations behind Texas college students' sexual behavior, even when it comes in such an irresistable package as "the top 237."

So we decided to send the SK researchers out with a more relevant question: What are the reasons people didn't have sex, or more specifically, why didn't you get any last night?

Here are some preliminary results clustered by group:

Timing

Missed the window between her first and second glass of wine.

Waited until she was asleep to make your move.

Wardrobe Malfunction

Came to bed wearing black socks and "tighty whities."

Stupidity

Said "tastes like chicken" when asked if you liked a new recipe that required peeling 24 cloves of garlic between homework and bathtime.

Mechanical

Forgot to hide the batteries.

Faulty Approach

Used a variation of "I got your (insert vaguely suggestive noun) right here" as your come-on.   

Screamed at the kids and made them cry before trying to get her in the mood.

Interuptus

Name of child you spawned here.

Secondary interuptus

Name of other child you spawned here.

Bad Call

Accused her of being in the throes of PMS.

Missed Call

Failed to recognize that she was in the throes of PMS.

Lou Piniella

Next time pick a team that can close the deal in under 10 innings. We're not waiting up all night.

Photo: True love, Jello shots, among college students' motivations.

Comments

[girl]

That's enough to make you spit you milk out through your nose, giggle. Thanks for the laugh!

[Paulita]

Now I want to see the reasons you did get laid. It would be much more interesting to ask married people than college students. Here's my husband's latest reason -- he was taking the kids on a weeklong trip without me and I had 10 minutes before they got in the car.

[Suburban Kamikaze]

How about, "He made me laugh -- after the kids were in bed, but before midnight, on a hormonally-acceptable day that did not begin too early."
--Excerpt: The Suburban Kamikaze's Guide to Seducing the Mother of Your Children Who Have Been Squabbling All Day

[Mitch McDad]

You forgot...my wife left her vagina in her other purse.

[Denver Dad]

Wait a second... married people can still have sex!?!? EVEN AS PARENTS?!? I'm sorry, but I've got a lot to think about now.