Be My Handyman

Roses are red, violets are blue.

Mr. Kamikaze's home improvement proficiency is on a par with Bob Vila's.

And I appreciate this, I really do.      

It's just not something I like to talk about.

There is a good reason for this. As soon as anyone hears about how he singlehandedly replaces entire kitchens, installs everything from toilets to ceiling fans and fearlessly tackles plumbing emergencies with little more than journalism training and a Home Depot credit card, it becomes impossible to win sympathy for my side of any marital dispute.

"Yes," my friends will say upon hearing my latest grievance, "but he built an 800-square-foot deck off the back of your house and equipped it with palm trees and a sound system."

As if this somehow makes him any less wrong.

But it is Valentine's Day and we are not here to rehash whether or not traffic in the curbside lane turning onto Michigan Avenue is meant to shift one lane to the left as it makes the turn, even though it seems obvious that such a system would violate any normal traffic laws, not to mention the dictates of common sense...

No. We are here to pay tribute to our men in toolbelts, so I will come  right out and acknowledge this: Mr. K is a magician with his power tools. I am not even using innuendo here.

And if there is one thing I have learned in 16 years of marriage it is this:  if you can get your friends to see past things like floor-to-ceiling bookshelves and French doors, they will come to see that you are right.

Also this: If you decide to write an X-rated poem for your husband as a valentine, do not promise to perform imaginary sex acts with exotic names that you just made up to fit your rhyming scheme.  It may be obvious to all of your friends that you have a gift for poetry, but your husband will read this in a spirit of hope that is unmatched in the animal kingdom.

I have learned some other things too. But I have absolutely no idea how to install a toilet.  And I love it that I don't have to.  Sixteen years later and he still knows how to make me flush.

Happy Valentine's Day.

-SK

Comments

[Miss Britt]

Next time he's wrong, I will generously offer him my couch.

Please send him with his tool belt. I have a list.

[Mr Lady]

It takes a lot to actually make me laugh, out loud, at a computer screen.

Congrats. You did just that.

Happy VDay to you and your handyman.