I will take your questions now

I do not claim to have all the answers.

But look! There is my name,  in the forthcoming "Mothering Heights Manual for Motherhood, Volume 1."

(And so,  Mr. Kamikaze, the next time you have some particular critique to throw out, keep in mind that I am now a published authority in a parenting manual.) 

Don't look so surprised.  I am full of inspired parenting techniques. And so I will take your questions now.

Q: From where does the inspiration for your parenting innovations come?

SK:  I cannot say, really. Sometimes they just hit me out of the blue. Like when my son was a toddler and he kept peeing inside this giant refrigerator box we were using as a playhouse. And it was really starting to reek in there. So I had the idea that the next time he misbehaved I would threaten to put the box out on the curb. And then he did. So I did.  And then the garbage men came and took it away before I could take pity on him and change my mind.  And it hit me: Carry out your threats and your children will respect you. Also, the house will smell better.  That worked for a while.

Q:  And then?

SK:  Somewhere along the way, out of the frustration that comes from never, ever being able to take a shower without interruption, I began to craft increasingly baroque, extravagant threats.  Rococo almost.  Time-outs became abandonment at a local orphanage.  Instead of threatening to cut television time short, I threatened to disconnect the television, carry it to my car and drive it to the nearest Goodwill trailer. It comes from being a creative-type person.  Unfortunately, I tend to overestimate my ability to carry such things out.

Q:  It sounds as if you do not know what you are doing at all.

SK:  But I do.  I know that I am doing it exactly wrong.  That is the source of all true innovation. With each spectacular parenting failure comes reinvention. And then more failure. And more reinvention. That is the stuff that parenting manuals are made of, I believe.

Photo: Mothering Heights Manual for Motherhood, Volume 1. (Mothering Heights Press, 2008)  Now available at Mothering Heights  and  Amazon.

Comments

[Mr Lady]

Wow. WOW. I am SO buying that.

[MommyTime]

You are so right about the failure thing...because otherwise, how would any publishers ever sell any NEW parenting books if the old ones worked perfectly? If the one you're in has answers like these in it, though, I'm buying -- because at least it's honest.

[Kelley]

"Carry out your threats and your children will respect you. Also, the house will smell better."

Wow. Who would have thunk? Awesome, can't wait till my teens come home and find the gypsies ready to take them away.

[foolery]

So when I say, "I'm going BACK TO WORK where people don't hate me," I have to mean it, huh? Wonder if I can hide a queen-sized bed in the break room . . .

Big congratulations for your book.

[Rattling the Kettle]

Very nice!

[Madness Mom of 5]

Carry out your threats & the children will respect you. But heres the thing .. what do you DO when your 13 year old looks at your 6 year old and says "she's not really gonna DO it".. even if you HAVE REALLY *DONE* it so many times before???

[sue]

Is there a chapter on the pros and cons of medication? For the mom, I mean.

[Audubon Ron]

Congrats!

[ok, where was I]

It sounds as if you do not know what you are doing at all. LOL!!

My 6 year old used to say he was leaving. I'd always say, See ya! But it pissed me off when he'd mention moving to his father's house b/c his father is a loser. So once after he said this I told him to pack up. I was taking him to the orphanage. He was all, Cool! So then I had to tell him what that was--a place with no TV, no computer games, no fruit snacks, no blankets. And no lights on at night. And all the kids cry all day. So let's go.

I'm surprised these people didn't ask me to write something inspiring.

Congrats! I can't wait to read it.

[Suburban Kamikaze]

Chapter 2: Drugs, Orphanages and Gypsies. (Oh, and Mommy's Going Back to Work Just To Get Away from You.)

Pearls of wisdom from America's Mommies.

[BOSSY]

Bossy has met your children, and something you are doing is definitely right. But Bossy won't tell anyone if it helps the Humor thing along.

[Suburban Kamikaze]

Bossy is too kind.

I seem to recall one of them tromping around in eye shadow and rhinestone-studded spike heels and the other one chipping golf balls into the middle of the cocktail party...

[Executive Suburbanite]

I wanted to let the SK blogosphere know that SK routinely and with careless disregard for the truth deletes any of your comments she feels may offend any delicate sensibilities, despite her claims of being a "journalist" who could recite the First Amendment in her sleep and whose commitment to free expression goes so far as to allow her to let her preteen son read "David Copperfield." Just thought you all should know.

[Suburban Kamikaze]

It is the policy of this website to encourage the fullest possible range of expression without regard to sense or sensibility. Like the SEC, however, we reserve the right to police/edit the remarks of commenters trafficking in "insider" information.

That includes you, Mom.

And what is wrong with "David Copperfield" anyway?

SK

[Ben]

Congratulations SK! Soon you will be the next David Sedaris. But with boobs. And no penis. Same voice though.

[Suburban Kamikaze]

And no book contract. Or apartment in Paris. But no shortage of material...

Thanks Ben!

SK